I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
