I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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