none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
