Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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