I'm going to jail i love you
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
