UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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