i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
