I haven't been this sober since birth.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
