I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
