i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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