I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
my poor anus
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
