I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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