My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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