Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
