I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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