last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
