I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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