when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
