running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
