he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
