I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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