guys are only as good as the porn they watch
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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