I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
