the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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