i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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