I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize