he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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