Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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