I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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