I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize