Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
