Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
