Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
