theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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