Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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