I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
