counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
