I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
