i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize