I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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