I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
