He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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