if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
