it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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