mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
