Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
