i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
