What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
