The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
