Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
