in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
