I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
