I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
