just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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