You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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