Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
