Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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