I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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