I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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