So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
