You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
