It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
