I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
