I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
